JARMAKE.COM – Make yourself at home

© Jari Mäkeläinen | http://www.jarmake.com/

Dialogue with myself

  You wimp, just go there. C'mon c'mon - we don't have all day, I said to myself.
There's no way I am going there, replied - let's call it my defensive instinct. I would never go. I stared at the steps in front of me.
Way too many steps, each one as steep as the other. That would be sheer insanity, I reasoned to myself.
  Just the idea of climbing felt dangerous, but I knew that once up there it would turn life threatening. I looked at the people next to me, one familiar face nodded at me smiling
- "Go on", the person said wordlessly.

  Glancing around I realised that all eyes were fixed on me, everybody was waiting me to take the first step. I tried to smile but I ended looking like the grotesque muscle skeleton model from a biology class.
  You all can wait there until the end of the world, I thought and decided not to climb. My name had already been annouced, it was my turn. Not the person's who had climbed before me and not the person's that would climb after me.

  I wonder what they would think if I'd just walk away - would they run after me or would they be too stunned to react right away?, I pondered.
  Oh damn it with you. Ehm ... how many years miss has been preparing for this? I don't think little miss has enough fingers in two hands to count them, I said to myself in ironic manner and snapped at myself instantly to shut it. I am sure everybody gets a little scared sometimes.
  Oh gee, our little baby, I replied to myself.

Splashing in the water  It seemed like hours would have passed by until I stopped the time, took a deep breath and encouraged myself to do it. I didn't even notice when my right foot was already on the first step. My left foot didn't want to drag behind and lifted itself on to the second step. I was going up.
  My heart picked up what was happening and started pumping like mad to get the adrenaline, the deceitful companion, to flow in my arteries. I only saw the steps, I only heard my heart beating. I didn't even register any smells. This, this would be it.
  I had climbed the last step, all the way to the dizzy ten meter height. I took only small steps, many down there would surely perceive my slipping manner as cute but it was all due to fear; my common sense was telling me not to go to the edge.

  Nevertheless my legs took me right to the edge. I looked down, I felt frightened and vertiginous. What in Earth's name I was doing? I turned my back facing the edge, not because I didn't want to see down but because I was taught to do so all these years. Less than two seconds and I would splat down there. For the homeland..
  This would be my first dive - in the olympics. 

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